Anyway here is a picture of me that no one will ever see…

Anyway here is a picture of me that no one will ever see…

I truly hope more than anything that this move will help…

I’m disgusted by you

I don’t understand why I haven’t died yet

I wish my parents were a source of comfort so I could go home and talk to them about all of this and feel understood and safe and comforted and loved and be able to cry without being judged and just be able to talk and get a hug from them but that doesn’t exist and instead I’m here all alone with nothing but my thoughts to devour me and another night of endless crying until I pass out facing me

At least no one in the entire world knows just how truly and immensely suicidal I am so if it does end up in that I will slip away completely unnoticed and without any drama

I wish my parents were a source of comfort so I could go home and talk to them about all of this and feel comforted and safe and loved and understood, and just be able to talk and cry openly without being judged and be able to get a hug and comfort and understanding and advice from them but that doesn’t exist and instead I’m here all alone with nothing but my thoughts to devour me and yet another night of endless crying until I pass out facing me…

Yeah wow, this is pretty much it for me… Rock botton.

I want to be so pretty and so desirable and so wanted and so interesting that someone can’t ever stop thinking about me and can’t imagine life without me and I’m pretty sure this book is contributing to this idea that I have that such a thing is even possible but I can’t stop reading I want that so bad, he actually thinks about kissing her and having sex with her why can’t I have this too, I want to perpetually be in someone’s thoughts and dreams, I don’t want to be a forgettable, boring, meaningless girl, I want to be like fire and burn someone to the ground with how much love they have for me I want to be perfect to someone I don’t want to be forgotten or replaced I want to be so beautiful and special to someone that no other girls exist to them and I am their girl and their one and only and they’re proud to have me, I really want to stop thinking about this I want to stop but the more I try the more I can’t. I hope we can find an apartment soon because I can’t wait to move and most of all I can’t wait to have my very own dog now, it’s the only thing I’m keeping myself alive for.

AGHHHGHHHHH I’M SO ANGRY AND UPSET AND FRUSTRATED GODDAMN I JUST WANT TO FEEL BETTER NOW I’M SO SICK OF THIS BULLSHIT IT’S RELENTLESS I’M SICK OF THE ENDLESS VIOLENT CRYING AND VOMITTING AND MENTAL BREAKDOWNS EVERY MINUTE OF EVERY DAY HOW MUCH LONGER FUCK HOW MUCH LONGER UNTIL I CAN BEGIN TO SOMEWHAT FUNCTION AGAIN SHIT FUCK I’M SICK OF WANTING TO KILL MYSELF EVERY SINGLE SECOND AND I’VE BEEN TRYING SO HARD TO NOT CARE AND MOVE ON AND FORGET THAT IT’S ONLY MAKING IT WORSE I WANT SO BADLY TO FIND SOMEONE NEW I’M TRYING SO HARD BUT I DON’T CARE FOR ANY OF THESE GUYS I DON’T CARE I DON’T FUCKING CARE I DON’T CARE ABOUT ANYTHING THEY HAVE TO SAY THEY BORE ME THEY IRRITATE ME I FIND THEM NOTHING BUT IMMENSELY UNAPPEALING AND UNATTRACTIVE AND I HATE THEM I HATE THEM ALL I CAN’T CONNECT WITH A SINGLE ONE SO I ONLY END UP ALL THE MORE FRUSTRATED AND UPSET AND I JUST DON’T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT GO AWAY I WANT TO STOP HURTING I WANT TO STOP CRYING I WANT TO STOP THINKING IT NEVER EVER GOES AWAY, NOT FOR A MINUTE NOT FOR A SECOND I NEVER FEEL BETTER OR HUMAN OR ANY RESEMBLANCE OF PEACE WHATSOEVER I WAKE UP AND I IMMEDIATELY REGRET IT AND THE TEARS START, I CRY ALL DAY, I CRY AT WORK, WHILE I’M EATING WHILE I CLEAN WHEN I WATCH TV WHEN I TAKE A SHOWER WHILE I’M READING, IN PUBLIC, IN PRIVATE, I GO TO SLEEP CRYING, I CAN NEVER STOP NO MATTER HOW MUCH I FIGHT IT I JUST CAN’T STOP I CAN’T STOP HURTING I JUST WANT IT TO END I WANT TO SEE A WAY OUT I WANT TO HAVE AT LEAST A FEW SECONDS A DAY IN WHICH I FEEL BETTER HOW MUCH LONGER??!!!?!?!!?