I never post pictures like this and I’ll probably delete it (although I guess it doesn’t really matter since it’s this blog)  but I’m really happy with my new bra 
!!!

I never post pictures like this and I’ll probably delete it (although I guess it doesn’t really matter since it’s this blog)  but I’m really happy with my new bra 

!!!

And what kind of existence is this anyway? I constantly have to be tiptoeing around people, going through this life as if it’s a mine field, just living in absolute terror of the moment that people will realize that I’m too fucked up to be with or even just associate with, who wants to deal with all of that? Because no matter what it will always inevitably happen. It could take two months or ten years, but eventually people always come to the conclusion that I am garbage, and everything about me becomes sickening and repulsive in their eyes. I don’t think there is anyone on this planet that is willing and capable of putting up with the absolute worst of me, no matter what. I don’t think that I possess the quality that makes every other human being lovable no matter how awful they are. And I don’t think I’ll ever open up to anyone ever again. You think people want to see the real you instead of some empty, lying fraud but it’s not true, people only want all the nice, pleasant, easy to handle parts, while imposing their you’re-ok-but-don’t-step-out-of-line-here and start acting like a needy, clingy, emotional crazy girl because then as certain as death I will drop you faster than rotting cabbage mentality. I just wish… I wish I didn’t have to be perfect in order to finally become worthy of love. I wish I could find someone that doesn’t expect me to have it all together before they even consider me as someone worth getting to know. I wish people would stop running away and tossing me out of their lives without a good-bye, without an explanation, without any sadness or sense of loss, without any sense that I’m actually a real person that has real feelings and isn’t just some pixels on a screen that, thank god, they can just ignore and erase from their minds and conciousness forever without having to deal with any of the consequences or reprucussions. I don’t want someone that’s going to come along and solve all of my problems, I don’t expect that at all, I just want someone that will stand by my side and face them with me. I’ve never had that. I guess that’s too much to ask though. I do wish I could just forget now. I wish I could erase people from my mind and from my life as easily as others erase me.

I wish I could just be mean and awful and downright awful and nasty to people but then I always don’t, something stops me, I don’t know if it’s just knowing that it won’t accomplish anything or what but I really do wish I could be that way. And I wish I had the power to change people’s ideas and perceptions of me because I know what they are and it eats me up alive, I don’t want people to think those things of me, I know I shouldn’t care but I do, it makes me physically sick just knowing that people think I’m trash.

My sleep schedule is so messed up now. I go to bed so late and then spend the entire day in a sluggish and bleary fog. I can’t seem to fall back into my rythym since moving here. I keep knocking into things and forgetting where everything is, I neglect housework, I can’t seem to find the motivation to unpack everything and almost all of my things are still in boxes even though it’s already been a week since I moved in, everything just feels so foreign, awkward, foggy, and uncomfortable right now and I keep thinking I’ll get used to it soon but I’m just tired of feeling this way and sick of not feeling like myself. Or maybe none of this even has to do with the move and I’m just losing my mind even more than I already was. I should be grateful for this apartment and if other things were different then maybe I would feel it more…

I truly hope more than anything that this move will help…

I’m disgusted by you

I don’t understand why I haven’t died yet